for quite some time now… i have been on the run. from one thing to the next…as fast i can, never slowing down…not to breathe, not to listen, and not to…decide.
decide?…that’s right. decide if the things i am doing are right.
people kept telling me after we lost the baby that things would eventually make sense…it hasn’t been that long(to me anyway.) i am still sad, but life does go on of course and…well, if anything it has given me a pretty strong reality check. it has shaken me a bit, allowed me the time to stop and think about what really matters in life. i’m a two speeds kind of person, fast and faster. the type to dive head first into what ever i am doing and start swimming just as fast as i can. so when i took a moment to stop, grieve, wait…and listen i realized just what is important to me.
over the last few weeks i have been getting some helpful hints to get me through this, and am only now starting to recognize them…
hint #1
shortly after i lost the baby i received a little package in my mail box. enclosed was a funny musical card that helped me laugh for the first time in days, and a figurine.
healing grace.
i was overwhelmed with emotion…this captures EXACTLY…exactly how i feel. with tears streaming down my cheeks i was gently reminded that although i felt like no one understood my pain…there is one who will always be there for me. i started conversations with him…something i had been forgetting to do, and as expected he has been helping me heal. (on his time line of course.)
hint#2
i am sure not all, but most of us have had a fight or two with our mates….or maybe more. well, while my sweet husband was trying…things just were not going well. a couple weeks ago we got into a doozy, and in my anger i walked out the door with no kiss, and no “i love you, bye”…i was done!
when i got into my car i quickly realized that he had filled my car with gas(my favorite reminder that he notices me) and cued this song14-breathe-in-breathe-out4 (from mat kearney )…our song on the cd player. (seriously take a second to listen to this song….the first time i heard it i listened to it like a million times!)
my husband does love me after all…
hint#3
the ocean…my sanctuary.
last week i left for one week to the ocean…alone. yea…for real, all alone. i really cherish my alone time, and it is something i have not had for bit, so ryan said…go, take some time to heal…think…be!
to heal… it helped me do just that.
and like expected i missed my sweet babes so much, and could not wait to have them in my arms again. they are the light of my life!
so while i am in no way ready to say that i am over the loss, i can say that this in some stange way has taught me a great deal about me…and here’s the thing…
somehow i have got it into my mind, that if i’m not running not chasing…i’m moving backward…when really if i am not running i am simply still…and that’s ok!
i do not have to chase everything…at least this is what will work for me right now.
with some really big opportunities on the horizon…and plenty to keep me busy, i will wait…and while i wait i will:
clean
create
love
play
draw
organize
pray
listen
think
&…be.
(because one thing is for sure, i know once i do figure out my next move, it will be full stream ahead!!!!)
I have recently signed up for your feed based on your new Clever site, but I have also been touched by your poignant and revealing blog posts. I can’t say as I know exactly what you are going through, but it is very priceless to share your healing process and as I read your post today, I remembered this: “Be still, and know that I am God.” Hugs to you and know that you are not only healing inside, but offering sweet hope and inspiration for some of your readers.
Welcome back to blogging. Thank you for sharing your story…and though you feel utterly alone, you’re not. Your readers, your fans, we’re here for you.
Thank you for sharing, Heidi. I,too, cannot say I truly know how you feel, but I do know that I, and a lot of people, care about you, and hope you keep taking the time to truly heal.
Take care.
Thanks for your meaningful and beautiful words, Heidi. They help me a lot to understand. I’m glad you’re taking time and know that turning to God will bring healing and peace. We love you.