just a bit before i wrote my first post on this new blog i found out i was pregnant. we were so excited, a bit overwhelmed, but really excited…seriously, with everything that has happened, and all the crazy things we have been through the last few months, this was such a ray of sunshine. for me…it was a focus that i was unknowingly searching for. we had been trying for quite some time…then we stopped trying and wham. when we went to the doctor we were surprised to find out i was almost 9 weeks along. i had a suspicion i was pregnant, but i secretly did not want to get my hopes up…so it was really great news.
just a couple weeks ago i woke up in the night with the feeling that i had just lost the baby…i went to the doctor the next day and her tests told me i was fine and not to worry, but something was off, so i requested another ultrasound. we had just had one only a few days earlier and saw our cute and precious budding baby. we even saw the little arms moving. of course i instantly attach to a baby when i find out i am pregnant, but after that first ultrasound…it really becomes a part o f me. so we had another one, but this time the ultra sound revealed that we had lost the baby, the doctor said it looked like it had just happened in the last 12 hours. the hardest part was knowing it was in me, with me unable to do anything, helpless, and the baby just there…still.
honestly i am not sure why i am even posting this…i have been a total recluse and do not want to talk to anyone…truthfully, i am pretty devastated. it is hard to even talk or write about. there really seems no way for me to put into thoughts or words what it feels like…just…tremendous…loss. on one hand, we hadn’t told many people so we may be able to get way with out anyone really knowing…on the other hand, it feels wrong not to express and document my sadness as a display of how much the baby meant to me, it is all very confusing, and hard to work through right now…
i have heard so many women dismiss a miscarriage, explaining that they did not even know they were pregnant, or they were not that far along…i guess i had always thought that if i went through one it would not be that hard, honestly, it is so hard…my heart is broken. it is hard for me, i am…….there just aren’t words. i love my children so much, and it feels like i have lost one. the house is a mess, the counters are dirty, there is laundry everywhere, the dishes aren’t done, i haven’t done my hair in days, but what keeps me getting up in the morning is my two beautiful girls. i have been spending all of my time with them, they are my safe harbor right now…along with my amazing husband, he has been there for me in ways i did not think possible. i also have thought of some creations, but have not had the energy to do them just yet…i am sure i will soon.
time will heal this…sometimes i think a good distraction would be healthy for me, and of course that would not mean i was forgetting, but we have decided to just take some time to think, and be…for me that is scary…
we have closed the shop except for saturdays for a couple weeks, and i am taking some time to rest, but will be back when the time is right maybe a few days, maybe more…it is nice to embrace not knowing and just be able to heal.
there are some other big things in life right now that are realities, some new opportunities…that can be some big future changes for our family…and i need to focus what energy i have on those decisions, so for now, i am sticking to my new motto and am just going to…be.
i remembered this artist that i have seen before on etsy, Isabel Ferreira, and knew thought there might be something to describe how my heart feels…oddly somehow, this piece seemed to fit.
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| Last contact; 2008 by Isabel Ferreira |
it may be nice to focus on re-tracking some of the months i lost during the interim of no blog…so my next few entries may focus on that, but i am not sure when that will be…to those who left comments…thanks so very mcuh for your words, give me some time…i will respond.
Heidi, I am sitting here, aching with you. I lost our first baby just the way you described. We had been trying for nearly 5 years and had no other children. People said well at least you know you can now and you will get over it. Well 17 years(last month) and 2 beautiful boys later, I still wonder about the child I lost. Here’s hoping you will be able to move on enough to resume your life although it will never be the same. Just feel better knowing there are other woman out there feeling the same way you do.
Kathryn
Heidi,
You have such a way with words… Hugs to you….I am sorry for your loss….
Heidi,
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and sending healing vibes in your direction.
Leora
I am so sorry for your loss Heidi! *hugs*
My sweet friend Heidi. I am truly sorry for your loss and for the sorrow you’re going through. I’m proud of you for writing about it and getting it out there so that you can have the support of many loved ones and friends who truly care about you. You’ve been a great and wonderful friend since we were little and I just cherish you to pieces! Enjoy your girls and we do have to get together soon! For real! Maybe I can come help you out? Love ya Igbot!
I can feel your pain. I lost a baby very early in the pregnacy a few days before Christmas when my first child was two. I was devistated and I remember some of my family and friends couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I had just found out I was pregnant and I remember a girl at work who didn’t have any children telling me she didn’t understand why I was upset when I already had a child. I totally understand your feeling of loss as well as the feeling that you want to acknowledge the life of that child even though you have no grave, no pictures, no physical momentos. Allow yourself to grieve for that child and you will slowly start to feel better but you will always remember.
Keep your chin up.
Trish
Heidi, I am so sorry for your loss. Keep praying and I will be praying for you also, that peace will fill your heart. It’s the most unfair thing in the world to lose a child, and I’m sorry you have to encounter this challenge. But I know you’re strong enough to continue on, and I’m glad you have the support and love of your children and husband. Take care of you!
Such an honest post, sorry to hear of your loss & the pain it is causing. Your feelings are valid & you have the right to mourn your loss. Enjoy every moment with your girls & take care
Heidi,
I am so sorry for your loss….my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. I hope you will take all the time you need to really heal….don’t rush yourself.
I hope knowing how many people care will help you.
God Bless.
I’m so sorry for your loss Heidi!!! ((Hugs))
So sorry to hear of your loss. I had a class with you in Minnesota, so I was lucky enough to see you talk of your girls – and how much they mean to you. Give yourself time. You will find a way to put this in a safe place. Hugs.
Heidi, my heart goes out to you. Hold on to those beautiful girls and take each day at a time. I am so glad to have found you again!! I can’t wait to see more of your awesome creations!
Heidi,
I am so sorry for you loss, I have lost two to miscarriage and the heartache is horrible! Even though you have never “met” your little one, they are still very much a part of you, and there will always be a place in your heart for him (or her) The Lord will get you through it. He will give you reasons to wake up every morning. Hang on to him, your family, look for the blessings each day that’s what will get you through it!
I am truly sorry and hope that light in the tunnel does come for you soon.
Prayers to you and your family in the healing you need.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I completely understand the attachment you feel the moment you know that you are pregnant.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family…..glad you are taking the time necessary to heal.
Heidi ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I have lost 6 precious angels. It never gets easier, it never goes away. The pain WILL lessen in time. Embrace the love you had for your little peanut. I am so SO sorry. I know how devastating losing a child can be, and you DID lose a child. Allow yourself to mourne, and to heal.
Krissy
Peace to you and your family, I am so sorry for your loss.
Susan
Heidi,
Oh, I am so very sorry to read this. I just found your blog (missed ya!) and to find your new one and to start off reading your post–I’m at a loss for words. You’re a strong person and have a beautiful family!! I’m sure the pain is very difficult and for that I wish you peace.
Hugs to all of you,
Kim
Heidi,
I’m so very sorry for your loss. May the words we write to you bring you comfort, and I hope you can delete the post above. So very rude to advertise like that on someone’s blog. So very selfish!
My life has taught me that when we loose someone who is a part of us we don’t get over it. With time the loss becomes something that we learn to live with. I wish someone had told me this, as it took me 9 years to figure this out. I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t “get over it”. I did move on in the sense that I was alive and was going through the motions, but I couldn’t get over the devestation because people would tell me to: “get over it” “move on” “you’re young so this isn’t the end of your life” “there will be others”, and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t do what they made it sound like everyone but me could do.
After those long 9 years I realized that it was okay that I wasn’t over it, and that I never would be over it, but it was something I had to, and could continue to learn to live with. I live with it as a part of my past, but most importantly I learn to live with it as a part of who I have become and continue to become in my future. One of the ways I honor the life of my loved one is by sharing what I had to learn by myself with others. When someone hasn’t lost someone who is a part of them they just don’t know what to say, and so I try to provide the wisdom/comfort that no one could give me. Perhaps in time your heart will guide you to a way to honor your loved baby.
In close of my long post… I’m also going to share with you my favorite verse from the Bible. I have said it daily to myself for almost five years now. It helps me get through the different challenges life gives me.
II Timothy vs. 4-7
I have fought the good fight;
I have finished the race;
I have kept the faith.
With my deepest sympathy, Roxane
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Two years ago this upcoming October I lost my one and only in a similar manner to yours. Now that I’m in my 40′s my doctor told me to just give up trying unless we want to undertake some very expensive procedures. Take the time you need to heal and cherish the moments you have with your family. I had to remind myself that even though I couldn’t “birth” my children in the way that “real women” are able to – I did have two amazing and wonderful stepchildren that I needed to focus on. The pain and the love for that little peanut will always be there – but things do get easier in time.
Heidi…I was so very sad to hear of your loss. I cried along with my sweet sister-in-law when they lost their second baby last summer, and saw how profound the loss can be with a miscarriage. My own experience tells me the attachment begins the moment you know you’re pregnant. I am so sorry and hope you’re feeling stronger as each days passes. I am excited for your new venture. Clever, and check back regularly to see the treasures I’m sure I’ll want to own. Take care, Polly Maly
Hello Heidi…I was wondering what you were up to and just found this blog. I am so very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers as you recover and heal. Please take care of yourself in this difficult time. Many hugs, Terri
I just found your blog (and just heard about your shop, which I will be visiting very soon!) I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby! I went through this last year. A book (besides the Bible, the Psalms ecspecially) that really helped me in my healing, was “Safe in the Arms of God” by John MacArthur. You can get it on Amazon. It is full of truth and comfort. Praying for you!
(and love your work!)